An Ode to Flying Economy

An Ode to Flying Economy

Who are the most troublesome people you meet on economy flights?

Qantas just completed the first ever direct Perth to London flight, at a duration of 17 hours. The only direct service from Australia to Europe, and currently the world’s longest flight, this route has been getting a lot of media attention this week, for good reason. This a major achievement worth noting, as the ability of airlines to travel longer distances means great breakthroughs in other flight routes. Hopefully, this will one day include a direct Australia -US east coast route (my dream!).

What else do these longer flights mean for travelers who aren’t lucky enough to travel business? How about the longest flight of your life in economy, surrounded by some of the most annoying passengers you’re likely to come across…

After a recent 13 hour flight from Sydney to Johannesburg, en route to a group tour, I was abruptly reminded of a few of the miserable realities brought on by long-haul air travel, and thought I would share a few of my pet peeves. I haven’t included crying babies, because (a) they are on every flight and (b) they really can’t be helped. I get that air pressure is really hard on kids and I know parents try their best. Also haven’t included the dreaded seat recliners, because they’re on every flight too. My tip for when to recline? Just don’t be a jerk about it- wait until after the meal service to put your chair back, and put it up again before breakfast is served.

Button-pushers

I don’t just mean those passengers who irk you, I mean those passengers who literally irk you via their button pushing. In-seat entertainment devices are key for surviving long flights, great for binge-watching, listening to sweet jazz hits of Kenny G, or obsessively refreshing the map screen, watching the time count down to your destination.

However, there’s no need to push the selection buttons with all the oomph you can muscle. This is the equivalent to someone kicking your seat, and is likely to make the person ahead of you lose all sanity. I have this happen to me surprisingly often, and I can never work out if they honestly don’t understand how technology works, or if it’s some sort of passive-aggressive power play, aimed at the person ahead of them. To me, pushing a button hard to start play on a movie is akin to shouting at someone who doesn’t speak English fluently, thinking that louder volume= better understanding. It’s a dick move and really rude, and also accomplishes nothing. (If your seat unit isn’t working, asking a flight attendant for help is the most appropriate option.)

Large groups of dudes

What’s wrong with large groups of guys?, you might be asking yourself. On the flight out to Johannesburg, it was a group of about eight 30-something dude friends, super-hyped for their bucket-list Africa trip of a lifetime, complete with shark cage diving, Kilimanjaro trekking, and custom trip t-shirts to be worn at all times. I know this because they talked about it, loudly, for most of the trip. They also kept running up and down the aisles to tell each other the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS.

On the way back, the dude group was a South African rugby union team. We also ran out of breakfast fruit salads on this flight. I’m not saying the two are related, but I’m not saying they’re not.

My point is, any large group of people travelling together, men or women, should remember they aren’t the only ones on the flight, and to be respectful of other passengers who may prefer a quieter flight experience.

Also, don’t eat all the fruit salad, even if you are a world-champion level athlete. 

The frequent lavatory-callers

If you are someone who needs to use the bathroom often, this is something you already know about yourself before you board a plane. Take this into consideration when selecting your seat. Whether for medical reasons or otherwise, for the sanity of everyone around you, have some forward-thinking initiative and book yourself an aisle seat.

I get that this isn’t always possible, and I try to always be understanding- illness/stomach bugs/overbooked flights happen.  However, I worry that I slowly lose all calmness when I have to get up constantly (which is why I go for the window seat 99% of the time). I try to stand up, half asleep, my headphone wires get tangled in my blanket and fall off, my pillow falls under my seat while I try to find my shoes in the dark, I miss key moments of the latest HBO drama, and I’m probably going to give you dagger eyes, which may or may not be completely deserved.

I am not sure what constitutes a reasonable amount of times to get up per flight, but I am pretty positive it is exceeded more often than it should be.

Flirty flight attendants

Potentially this is every man’s (or woman’s) dream come true- a suave and attractive flight attendant keeps stopping to chat when they pass by your row, laughs a bit longer than necessary, keep sneaking you extra snack packs…

However, in part thanks to pet-peeve number two (large dude group) being seated directly in front of me, I had to witness this embarrassing scenario for the entire flight to Jo’burg. There’s nothing stranger than watching two people hit on each other under the best of conditions, let alone when you’re trapped behind them on a plane.

Not to mention, when you are next in line for the meal service or drinks, and having to wait eeeven longer while the flight attendant chats it up with the guys ahead of you is a painful process, I tell you. First world problem? Yep, but trapped in the airplane microcosm, these things matter. 

That guy who pretended not to know how big his carry-on luggage is

There’s few things more awkward than the boarding shuffle onto the plane. No one listens to the announcement to board by row, people are uncomfortably crawling over one another to find their seat, silently sizing up their inevitable (and unwanted) companion for the next 13 hours of their life. If there’s one thing that slows this down, it’s someone who has just gone over the carry-on bag limit, and is struggling to smush their too-large hand-held bags into the overhead compartment. Don’t act surprised when it doesn’t fit; you know exactly how big your bag is. This same guy probably brags to his friends about how he can travel *light*, and saves an average of 24 minutes per flight by skipping the wait at the baggage carousel on arrival.

While technically ground staff are to blame not noticing this, don’t be that guy. Everyone is allocated the same about of space, don’t take more than your share.

I know airlines try their best to make flying comfortable for everyone, but long flights are never super enjoyable. So, spare a thought for the guys heading to London, enjoying 17 hours nonstop of forced social interactions, overflowing overhead bins, and frequent restroom breaks. 

 

(Please note all of this is tongue-in-cheek. I completely appreciate the amazing advantages that air travel brings us, and that I have the ability to travel frequently. But, everyone needs to vent from time to time…)

 

What bugs you the most about long-haul flights? Would love to hear your gripes, or tips for making a flight more tolerable!